i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
