If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
