1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
