i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
