I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
