The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
