True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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