my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
