sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
