i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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