All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
