I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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