she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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