I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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