Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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