i wish my penis had a tongue
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
