I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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