Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
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I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
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I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
When are your genitals available?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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