there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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