I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
