I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
