that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
