dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Randomize
