Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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