note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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