haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
