I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
porn star boner night. come get it.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
