I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
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My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
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It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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