my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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