that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
