True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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