I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
