I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
