Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
