True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
