Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
My ATM looks so different sober.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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