Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
