The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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