you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
