is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
