you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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