Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
