I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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