I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize