So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you traded sex for a burrito?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
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It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
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WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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