I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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