Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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