Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
