You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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