Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
