i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
