I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
i think i just lost a toe
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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