there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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