For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
