dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
